Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Zombie Next Door

Is your neighbor's lawn an eyesore? Overgrown weeds and dead grass?
Do you hear strange noises coming from his house at night?
Does he stumble outside to retrieve the mail looking pale and stiff? Does he chew on the letters on the way to the door?
When you try to make small talk, is his only answer "waaaaaauuuuuuwwwwhaaaawooooo?"

If you answered YES to at least four of these questions your worst fears might be realized. Well, that is to say only if your worst fear is ZOMBIES!

So what do you do now? Barricade the windows and door and pull out that axe your spouse complained you'd never use?

Such drastic measures are probably not necessary. Particularly if it is a contained instance. Chances are the Zombie only wants to live in pieces. Oops, I mean peace. So what do you do? Well I recommend taking the following precautions:

1. If you haven't already invested in a pet go out and get yourself a nice Werewolf or Goblin. They enjoy chasing Zombies and he won't dare come around your property.

2. Leave a map with directions to the nearest graveyard on your door along with a party invitation. It's a little known fact that Zombies love a good soiree.

3. Play Barry Manilow CDs at top volume, repeatedly. No offense to Mr. Manilow, but for some unknown reason the frequency of your voice sends Zombies into panic mode.

And finally...

4. If he comes to call with a measuring cup saying "brains," you have two choices and whether you decide to slam the door or go get your spouse... well, I guess that depends on the quality of your relationship.

18 comments:

  1. Um, that would be my house. But that's only because it's hard to weed at night. Sheesh. You are so speciesist. As a vampire, some of my best friends are zombies. In fact, after staying up last night for #yalitchat and #askagent, I'm afraid to look in the mirror. As for that cup of brains? That might actually help with my rewrite. Hmmmh. Honey, (I say over my shoulder) WHERE'S MY CUP?

    Great post as always. Mwah!

    Martina

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  2. Haha, poor Barry Manilow. But he might actually be pleased that his music is helping in the ongoing fight against zombies.

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  3. Martina - you are soooo silly. I mean there's a huge difference between zombies and vampires. Zombies don't have brains. So you know, I'm not being speciest when I say, they're just dumb.

    Anna - I would hope he'd appreciate it!

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  4. T - didn't know you were having zombie neighbor issues - so glad I could help out!

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  5. You've got my vote for your dragon egg piece. Hope you win. Enjoyed the zombie defense suggestions. They're on my bulletin board just in case.

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  6. Thanks for taking the time to read it. And yes - you should always be prepared!

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  7. Hee! Glad I don't have any zombie neighbors. That would suck. No, correction: vampire neighbors would suck, zombie neighbors would rot.

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  8. LOL No wonder you're a finalist!

    Wonder if a werewolf would help with the problem we're having with the neighbor's kitty pooping in our backyard. :D

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  9. Oh absolutely! Not that I can in good conscience condone it...

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  10. That was awesome! I really enjoyed that!

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  11. So glad, Lydia. I feel like I'm doing a public service when I present these tidbits.

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  12. LOL! The pitch of Barry's voice sends them into a rage, love that! I've got to remember the map on my door to the nearest graveyard. That might keep solicitors away too!

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  13. Heather - hey, two birds with one stone! I say go for it.

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  14. There are fantastical creatures all around us!

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