The Zombie Next Door

Is your neighbor's lawn an eyesore? Overgrown weeds and dead grass?

Do you hear strange noises coming from his house at night?

Does he stumble outside to retrieve the mail looking pale and stiff? Does he chew on the letters on the way to the door?

When you try to make small talk, is his only answer "waaaaaauuuuuuwwwwhaaaawooooo?"

If you answered YES to at least four of these questions your worst fears might be realized. Well, that is to say only if your worst fear is ZOMBIES!

So what do you do now? Barricade the windows and door and pull out that axe your spouse complained you'd never use?

Such drastic measures are probably not necessary. Particularly if it is a contained instance. Chances are the Zombie only wants to live in pieces. Oops, I mean peace. So what do you do? Well I recommend taking the following precautions:

1. If you haven't already invested in a pet go out and get yourself a nice Werewolf or Goblin. They enjoy chasing Zombies and he won't dare come around your property.

2. Leave a map with directions to the nearest graveyard on your door along with a party invitation. It's a little known fact that Zombies love a good soiree.

3. Play Barry Manilow CDs at top volume, repeatedly. No offense to Mr. Manilow, but for some unknown reason the frequency of your voice sends Zombies into panic mode.

And finally...

4. If he comes to call with a measuring cup saying "brains," you have two choices and whether you decide to slam the door or go get your spouse... well, I guess that depends on the quality of your relationship.