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Can you believe that's actually a young William Shatner? What does that have to do with anything? Read on my friends...Who uses comparisons in their writing? *Raises hand* Yeah those lovely similes and metaphors can really add to our work. Or hurt it... Yep, we have to consider a few things when we use these puppies because it will either work well, or jump out at the reader like a big hairy wart. Ha! See what I did just there?
Here are some questions to use as a filter when considering what to compare and whether to do it at all:
- Is the comparison easy to understand?
- Is it the kind of comparison my character would make? Does it match the voice?
- Is it cliche? Because you know you can do better!
- Is it worth it? Does it really add anything?
- Is it overkill? Have I already used a better metaphor in this paragraph?
Let's use a nice vampire example:
First the not so good:
The boy materialized inches from Susan. He was as handsome as a young William Shatner. His eyes filled with as much danger as a nuclear missile. Susan wilted like a flower in the frost, collapsing right into his arms of steel.
Okay I can't go on! It was fun, but actually a little scary to write that! Let's try it a little differently, shall we?
The boy materialized inches from Susan. It wasn't his beauty that stole her breath, it was his eyes, sharp and cold as knives. They pinned her to the spot, and Susan wilted, collapsing right into his arms.
I do love a good simili and metaphor, but you're right, sometimes, they just need to go! That's what cps are for!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Laura--cps are great for spotting comparisons that don't work. But in my own writing and beta-reading, I always look for the mismatch in imagery (for example, something compared to a rounded sort of object or described with a soft, diffuse, or blunted sort of word would not be paired with or make any sort of sharp, stabbing motion).
ReplyDeleteGiggle! I'm trying to picture anyone I know using the phrase "as handsome as a young William Shatner" (though he is pretty cute). Great examples of what to keep in mind when using comparisons. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI love the William Shatner example and think that overuse of metaphors pulls the reader out of the story. Also, after seeing the picture, now I get the rumors about his being a major ladies man back in the day. I bet plenty of women wanted him to 'beam them up.' :)
ReplyDeleteLaura - still we don't want to give them too much to work with! ;)
ReplyDeleteSarah - he he I'm picturing someone being stabbed with a pillow!
Jess - Glad you liked it. Just my homage to my Trekki days. :D
Kristi - I admit I had a crush on him when I was about 13. *hides* I was a huge Star Trek fan and even went to conventions.
Great examples, haha! I love a good metaphor or simile but overkill can really bog down the writing.
ReplyDeleteBravo, excellent second paragraph! Though the first one was fun! ;) I love how you put that, it should be something your character would say. Great point!
ReplyDeleteWow, that's William Shatner?!
Great points, Lisa. Especially the one about whether or not it's something your character would relate to. Especially true when writing for children, who only know the old version of Shatner!
ReplyDeleteLori - thanks. But what does this mean "overkill"? LOL
ReplyDeleteHeather - I know, RIGHT? He was a cutie pie. Oh and thanks. He.
Julie - Yeah, I'm dating myself huh? :D Yes, we have to ABOVE ALL be true to the character.
Lisa-you're the first person I know who's attended a Star Trek convention (or at least admitted it-lol). I'm a huge sci-fi fan and would love to see a post on that! :)
ReplyDeleteKristi - that's so funny! Not sure how I'd tie it to writing, but I'll think about that... William Shatner did call me "pretty" once, so I guess I'm just returning the favor. LOL Even then he was past his Star Trek years though! boy imagine the things people can learn about me if they read through all the comments...
ReplyDeleteI'm the opposite. You pretty much have to pry those metaphors and similes out of me. :D
ReplyDeleteI've beta read books before where I loved the metaphors and similes at the beginning, but after while I'm screaming, "OMG not another one!"
(ps. you were right. her parents were clueless about what happened to her.)
Stina - Ahh! I knew it! *does the Yes-I-got-it-right dance* Sometimes with the metaphors, I don't even consciously do it. I'm starting to realize I have a very complicated and sneaky subconscious.
ReplyDeleteLove what Kristi said! Also, thanks for the brilliant example of how much more powerful prose can be without the use of cliche's. (But, darn they're about as much fun as a barrel of monkeys to use, aren't they?!)
ReplyDeleteDebra - LOL! Love it!!
ReplyDeleteIf everyone was familiar with that yummy pix of the young William Shattner, that first metaphor might work!
ReplyDeleteMG - he he he. Too bad, too bad.
ReplyDeleteHow much fun is it to write badly?
ReplyDeleteSo much harder to write goodly, but. :-D
Ebony - I love the word "goodly". And I love writing badly on purpose too. It's kind of freeing.
ReplyDeleteLOL! I really had a laugh with the first para! Thx for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteMonica - thanks! I'm glad you liked it. It was fun to write.
ReplyDeleteOne of my crit partners taught me the value of making your simile in your POV character's voice. I've found that it also helps get rid of the cliches, because your character will give it a twist that makes it unique to him or her. However, I have to say, I've never cared for William Shatner, so glad you lost that one! :-)
ReplyDeleteLove the young Cpt Kirk! :)
ReplyDeleteI hate cliches, and I don't use a lot of description in my first drafts but I always put in things like (add a metaphor here) (put in something that's not a cliche here) so I can catch them in my revisions :)
Susan - Good point about cliches! Yes, I suppose I can admit he's an acquired taste. But I did have a crush at one point.
ReplyDeleteJemi - LOL that's great! I love hearing how people do things differently.
So true! When they're good they're very very good, and when they're bad they're awful.
ReplyDeleteLeslie - Oh yeah.
ReplyDeleteYep. I've read some of that first example and wondered who would ever write that way. Guess what? I found out that I could--and very easily! Fortunately that don't happen no more. Learning how to write has helped.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comparison. Oh, and thanks for the hunky William Shatner pic. My how we change!
Lee -He he. Yeah, I can overdo it sometimes too. I should write a novel parody of writing just to get it out of my system.
ReplyDeleteOMG, your example had me laughing because I could only see him trying to sell me--what is it he advertises for? Some hotel deal like in the commercials he does. Great post Lisa!
ReplyDeleteLydia - He he he. Priceline - they might sell more tickets if they used this pic. I'm just sayin...
ReplyDeleteGreat Post, Lisa! I have a habit of writing bad comparisons in the first draft. I think I'm too busy trying to get the story down that I use what's in my head. When I go back to read it, I'm like,"WTH?" Thanks for pointing it out so goodly...er...I mean nicely. :D
ReplyDeleteBrenda - well the bit I've seen of your writing, I really liked your choice of comparisons. Very original and well said, so it doesn't really matter how many revisions it took to get there!!
ReplyDeleteWill Shatner was a hottie :) Who knew? Great post, love your examples.
ReplyDeleteNew follower...
demitrialunetta.blogspot.com
Demitria - Yay! So glad you joined up. ;D And yeah, I just found out he turned 80 yesterday! Whoa.
ReplyDeleteThis is where writing becomes hard work! I have to constantly push myself with comparisons, try out three or four different ones to find a good fit. SOOOOOO easy to slip into cliches. No, I CAN"T Believe that's Shatner. Whoa!
ReplyDeleteMargo - Oh cruel time. :D
ReplyDeleteGood point! I think the William Shatner reference is too dated anyway. Yes, the older generations would remember what William Shatner looked like young. My generation MIGHT remember, by watching old episodes of Star Trek (and, before that, Twilight Zone). The generations below ours? We're getting to the "William WHO?" generation, I think...
ReplyDeleteStephanie - Ahh the newer generation should watch the old Star Treks. ;)
ReplyDeleteThat was an awesome example of how not to use comparisons. I can't ever picture William Shatner as anyone other than the slightly chubby comedic guy from Ms. Congeniality. :)
ReplyDeleteNutschell - He he he. I think it's funny all the different views on William Shatner that have been expressed right here! I guess we can at least say he's versatile. :D I'm glad you liked the example though!
ReplyDeleteThat was a great example, Lisa!
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to make sure you stay in the character's voice, like you mentioned. Otherwise, it can pull the reader out of the moment.
Melissa - thanks! Yes staying with the voice is essential.
ReplyDeleteI tend to love a metaphor so much...I use it twice! Gah The truly scary part is that I don't remember doing it the first time. :)
ReplyDeleteI love your examples, and I had a CP just point out a metaphor in a short story where she said, "Um, this is kinda like that other one you used, no?" Sigh.
p.s. I think everyone should use "a young William Shatner" somewhere in their WiP. But that's just me.
ReplyDeleteSusan - That's okay, it happens. That's what CPs are for. ;D Tricky little buggers though, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteSusan - oh and I AGREE. Now everybody work it in...
ReplyDeleteExcellent post and great examples!! :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great post. Comparisons only work if they are relevant, original, POV accurate and timeless. Thanks so much for putting this so succinctly!
ReplyDeleteAngela @ The Bookshelf Muse
Shannon - thank you!
ReplyDeleteAngela - Why you are very welcome
This is such an important point. I recently read an agent blog about much the same thing: pop culture references date your book. Although they're very common in YA now, they're are a total turn-off for her. Books often take three years to reach the shelves, and by then readers may be saying "Edward who?"
ReplyDeleteAnne - Good point. I would never include those things just for the sake of including them. I would only use them if important to the story.
ReplyDelete