Boring Vampires

Okay, so I mention Vampires a lot. In this case I'm using them as fodder for a lesson in writing. See, here's the thing - even vampires can be dull, boring and (dare I say it) cliche. You think: 'Gee, if I put some ultra cool stuff in my manuscript then I can't lose! It's a formula for best-seller.' Um, no. See, I've heard it said (quite a bit because I keep saying it too) that it isn't WHAT you write, but HOW you write it. Granted, you need a plot. Something that moves the action along and propels the characters forward. But - here, let me show you what I mean. The following are a few examples of a boring vampire story:

1. Cliche Description

His eyes held me in a way that took my breath away.

"You've been watching me," he said. My cheeks turned as red as a beet.

He smiled, showing perfect white teeth. My heart beat sped up. "Do you know what I am?"

"I don't care," I said. "You won't hurt me."

2. Useless Dialogue

I jumped in the passenger seat and he peeled out of the drive. Alone at last - just me and my vampire.

"Where to?" he asked.

"I haven't had dinner yet," I said.

"Do you like Italian food?" he asked.

"Too many carbs," I protested.

"Sushi it is then."

"No. I don't eat raw anything."

"Thai?"

"Okay," I said, turning on the radio.

3. Telling Not Showing

We stopped at the doorway. It was late and the rest of the house was asleep. I felt nervous. He leaned forward and kissed me. It was amazing and when he pulled away I could see his fangs were extended. For the first time since I met him, I was afraid.

Now, lets take a look at the same scenes REVISED:

1. Try to say the same things in a slightly different way.

His eyes met mine and I froze, the air knocked from my body like when I was seven and fell off the swing in my backyard. I couldn't have moved if I'd wanted to.

"You've been watching me," he said. I fought the heat bubbling up my neck that threatened to incinerate me.

He smiled. Blood rushed behind my ears. "You know what I am."

"It doesn't matter," I said, finally finding my voice. Of course I knew. "You won't hurt me."

2. Replace with dialogue that is meaningful by showing us something about the characters' personalities.

I jumped in the passenger seat and he peeled out of the drive. Alone at last - just me and my vampire.

"Where are we going?" I asked, unable to stand the silence.

"Worried?" The corners of his mouth turned upward and he stole a taunting glance in my direction.

"No. Just curious where a vampire takes his date."

"I'm taking you back to my coffin so I can have a midnight snack."

"Very funny."

3. Show

We stopped at the doorway and he turned toward me. A thick slice of moonlight broke through the clouds bathing his face in soft blue light and reflecting off of his large, dark eyes. I sucked in my bottom lip as he stood motionless, silent, heartbreakingly beautiful. Crickets sang through the blanket of night. Then he moved, fast and smooth. One moment he was watching me, the next I felt his lips on mine, unexpectedly warm and soft. A shiver of pleasure trickled through my body and I pushed forward, eager for more.

He jerked back in a sudden movement and a gasp escaped my throat. His lips pulled back to reveal a row of elongated teeth, each as sharp and deadly as a steak knife. That wasn't what frightened me though. It was his eyes. His eyes filled with pain and a silent plea. Run.

See? I really didn't spend a whole lot of time on this and you can probably tell, but the second does read better, doesn't it?

Now, how about you? What are some boring vampires you've been wrestling with?