Thursday, May 20, 2010

How to Dump a Vampire

From Edward to Lestat, Dracula to Eric and Bill, sexy vampires have enthralled women (and some men) readers for years. Their brooding, intelligent, bad boys and lets face it - they're hot. What's not to love? So what if you have to give up a little O positive in exchange. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

But, what happens after the honeymoon period? When the whole powerful, undead thing gets tired? Exactly how does one tell a vampire "I just want to be friends?" To find out the reality behind the hype, I spoke to one vampire's ex. For anonymity's sake we'll call her Bella.

So, Bella, when was it you realized this relationship wasn't all you were hoping for?

Well, it was really great at first. He said I was the most beautiful girl he'd seen in almost two hundred years. Pretty good pick up line, you know? But then I started to notice little things, like he never wanted to go out with my friends, just hang out at home and sulk. And he never did the laundry. It's really hard to get blood stains out you know.

Okay, so did you confront him?

Yeah. And he went all Mr. Hyde on me, pulling out the fangs and hissing. He even punched a hole in the wall. When I started crying, he got all apologetic. Tried to tell me he was just hungry and promised he'd do better. The usual BS.

When did you realize it was BS?

I guess I always knew. But he was so hot. It's really hard not to go for the whole "you are my life, I'll kill myself if you leave me" thing. Except, then you start to think, 'yeah, but you're already dead.'


Yeah. So anyhow, I finally had enough when I found him glamouring my friend. He claimed he just needed a snack, but I wasn't buying it.

So how did you convince him to leave you alone?

It wasn't easy. But what I did was eat a ton of garlic and put on my mother's silver cross. So he couldn't get near me if he wanted to. Then I just told him he could do better, that I was too much of a morning person and a bunch of stuff like that. I think he was hurt, but he did finally give up.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, Bella. Have you dated since the breakup?

Yes. I found the man of my dreams. He's so passionate and considerate. I really think this one's going to last.

That's great. Congratulations. Have you had any problems adjusting to life with a normal guy?

Oh, he's not exactly normal. He's a shape shifter.

I'd like to thank Bella for taking the time to help others who might not know where to turn when they want out of a supernatural relationship. Remember, just because it's glamorized in books, TV, and movies doesn't mean it's all roses and unicorns in real life.


  1. Heehee, I've heard bathing in holy water is another great way to make it clear to him that's it's over.

  2. I'm glad you kept the interview anonymous. It was awfully good of you. Hopefully "Bella" will find some lasting peace with her new man.


  3. Yes, Simon. I have to protect the identities of those who are innocent after all.

  4. LOL! Sweet, good call on 'Bella's' part. Shapeshifters are were its at!

  5. Heather - lets hope her new man is better.

    Jemi - so glad I could entertain!

  6. Thanks for the chuckle tonight! It was just what I needed after a long day.

  7. So glad I could brighten your day, Lisa!

  8. This girl has terrible taste in men, poor thing.

  9. That was terrific. You should start an advice column to help those struggling with paranormal relationships.

  10. Julie - It's so easy to judge. :)

    Chazley - welcome! Yes, it is something that not enough people take seriously.

  11. You crack me up. LOVE it!


  12. LOL. In other words, for some girls "normal" would just be too simple. :)

  13. Yes. Normal can be boring. Todays teen seems to want that little extra something. Worrisome, no?